Written by: Oluwabiyi Esther Ayomide
Girl’s Stuff at Villpress is a weekly series where we talk about real-life issues girls face, from relationships to self-esteem and everything in between.
Healing After Rape
Life has a way of catching us off guard when we least expect it. That’s exactly how Sandra felt. She was a typical young woman, ambitious and full of life. As a hairstylist, she loved bringing joy to others through her work. Outside of that, she was just trying to enjoy life and focus on her dreams.But life, as it does sometimes, turned upside down in a matter of minutes.
DIALOGUE WITH SANDRA,
Hi Sandra, thanks for being here and sharing your journey. To start, can you tell us a bit about yourself?
Sandra: Thank you. Well, I’m Sandra. I’ve been doing hair for a few years now. I’ve always loved making people feel beautiful. Outside of work, I love spending time with my family and friends, and I was just your average young woman trying to figure out life, until everything changed.
Can you walk us through what happened? Take us back to that night.
Sandra: (pauses, gathering her thoughts) It was a regular evening. I had just finished hanging out with some friends and decided to walk home. I had done that walk so many times; it felt safe. But that night… I noticed someone behind me. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but soon, everything went dark.He grabbed me and pulled me into an alley. I struggled, but he was so strong. It all happened so fast. I kept thinking, “This can’t be happening. Not to me.” I screamed, but no one was around. Before I knew it, it was over. He left me there broken, terrified, and alone.
I can’t imagine how terrifying that was. What did you do next?
Sandra: I went home and locked myself in the bathroom. I stood under the shower, trying to wash away everything. But no amount of scrubbing could erase what had just happened. I didn’t tell anyone for weeks. I was ashamed. And then… I found out I was pregnant.
Pregnant? That must have been devastating. How did you handle it?
Sandra: Devastated is an understatement. I was just 21. I hadn’t even been in a real relationship before, and now I was pregnant from a rape. I lost my virginity that night, I lost so much more than that.I was terrified to tell my family. I didn’t know how they would react. When I finally worked up the courage, it was like ripping open a wound all over again. My mom cried. My dad…he couldn’t even look at me.
How did your family handle the situation?
Sandra: My mom tried her best to comfort me, but I could see the pain in her eyes. She kept saying, “This wasn’t supposed to happen. You were supposed to be safe.” My dad was heartbroken. He couldn’t understand why this had happened to his little girl. For weeks, the house was filled with silence.There were moments when I felt like they blamed me, even though they never said it outright. My father wanted me to have the baby and then give it up for adoption. He said it was the best way to move on, to forget. But how could I forget? My mother, on the other hand, wanted me to keep the baby, believing that maybe, somehow, this child could be a blessing in disguise.
That must have torn you apart, being pulled in different directions. What did you decide?
Sandra: I didn’t know what to do. I felt trapped. Every time I looked at my growing belly, I was reminded of that night, but at the same time, this child hadn’t done anything wrong. I knew it wasn’t the baby’s fault. Eventually, I decided to keep the baby. I figured if I had gone through all this pain, something good had to come out of it.
How was your pregnancy? Did things get any better?
Sandra: The pregnancy was one of the hardest times of my life. I was dealing with so much trauma and confusion, and now I had this life growing inside me. I felt lost. I was grieving what had been stolen from me my innocence, my sense of safety, my future. And as much as I tried to move forward, there were moments when I just wanted to disappear.People in my neighbourhood started talking. You know how it is gossip spreads fast. They didn’t know what had happened, but they saw me, unmarried and pregnant. I got a lot of judgmental stares and whispers behind my back. I felt so isolated like the world was against me.Every time I left the house, it felt like the walls were closing in. I was still trying to work, still trying to live, but I was constantly reminded of my situation. I remember one day, I was at the salon, and a customer asked me when I was getting married. I froze. It was a simple question, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. “I’m not getting married. I’m just trying to survive,” I wanted to say, but I just smiled and changed the subject.
Did you have any support, anyone who stood by you during that time?
Sandra: Yes, I had my best friend Mark. He was the only one who didn’t treat me differently. One day, I broke down in front of him, and he just hugged me. I remember asking him, “Are you for real, Mark? Do you think I’m going to survive this?” And he looked at me and said, “Sandra, you’re stronger than you think. This won’t break you.”He was the one who kept reminding me that I had value, that my worth wasn’t tied to what had happened to me or this pregnancy. Those words meant everything because, for a long time, I didn’t believe I was worth anything.
That’s powerful. So, how did things turn out after the baby was born
Sandra: When my daughter was born, I had mixed feelings. I looked at her and saw this innocent baby, but at the same time, I was still carrying so much pain. There were days when I couldn’t even hold her because the memories of the rape would flood back. But over time, something changed. She became my light in the darkness.The first few weeks were chaotic. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. I had moments when I would sit up at night, rocking her while tears streamed down my face. I thought about how her life started. I thought about what I had lost and the dreams I had for her.At the hospital, I was nervous about how the nurses and doctors would treat me. I could sense the judgment in their eyes. I overheard one nurse whispering to another, “Can you believe it? She’s so young and already a mother.” It made me feel small. But once I brought her home, everything changed. The first time I saw her smile, I felt this rush of love I had never experienced before. I named her Grace because, in a way, she saved me. She gave me a reason to fight for my healing, to rediscover my worth.
How is your relationship with Grace now? Has she been a part of your healing process?
Sandra: Absolutely. Grace is the best thing that ever happened to me. She’s 7 now, and every time I look at her, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come. She doesn’t know the full story yet, but one day, I’ll tell her. I want her to know that she is loved and that her life is a miracle, even if it came from tragedy.There have been challenges, of course. As she grows older, I worry about how to explain her beginnings. I want her to understand that she’s not defined by her conception but by her heart, her kindness, and her strength. I want her to know she is perfect just as she is.There have been days when I felt guilty for the pain I went through. I worried that my trauma would affect how I parent. But I learned to channel my hurt into something positive. I strive to be the best mom I can be, to give her the love I felt I had lost.
Your story is heartbreaking but also incredibly inspiring. What advice would you give to women who have been through something similar?
Sandra: My advice would be this: Don’t let the trauma define you. I know it’s hard, and I know it feels like you’ll never heal, but you will. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. And don’t be afraid to seek help. Therapy saved me. It helped me understand that what happened to me was not my fault and that I am still worthy.Also, don’t rush your healing. It’s a long journey, and there will be days when it feels like you’re going backwards. But take it one step at a time. And if you have a child from that trauma, know that you can still love them fully while healing yourself.
What’s your message to anyone who’s struggling with their worth after trauma?
Sandra: My message is simple: You are not broken beyond repair. You are worthy of love, happiness, and healing. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than. Your past doesn’t define you it’s a part of your story, but it’s not the end. You can rise above it, and you will.Sandra: “You can rise above it, and you will.” Those words resonated with me as I stepped into my new life as a mother and a survivor. The journey of healing isn’t linear; it comes with its ups and downs. Some days are brighter, filled with laughter and joy, while others feel like you’re dragging your feet through thick mud. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was to forgive myself. I carried so much guilt for letting my past affect my present, especially when it came to Grace. I would look at her, and all I could see was a reminder of the darkness I had endured. But I realized that she was also a reminder of my strength the strength to keep going, to push through the pain, and to love deeply.
It sounds like forgiveness was a crucial part of your healing. How did you learn to forgive yourself?
Sandra: It took time. I remember sitting alone one night after Grace had gone to bed. I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger staring back at me. I thought, “How did I let this happen to me? Why didn’t I fight harder?” But then I realized that beating myself up wouldn’t change anything. I started writing letters to my past self, letters to my rapist, and letters to Grace. Each letter was an opportunity to express my pain, my anger, and ultimately, my forgiveness. In one of those letters, I wrote, “I forgive you for believing you deserved this. I forgive you for carrying the shame that doesn’t belong to you.” That was a powerful moment for me.
That’s so profound. Writing can be such a healing tool. Did you ever think about sharing your story publicly?
Sandra: At first, I was hesitant. I worried about what people would think or how they would react. But the more I healed, the more I felt a calling to share my experience. I wanted other survivors to know they weren’t alone, that there was hope on the other side of their pain.I started sharing snippets of my story on social media, and the response was overwhelming. Women began reaching out and sharing their own experiences. It felt like we were creating a community of support a space where we could uplift each other.
That’s amazing It must have felt empowering to connect with others who had similar experiences. How did that impact your healing process?
Sandra: It was incredibly healing. It helped me see that what happened to me wasn’t an isolated incident; it was part of a larger narrative of survival. Each story shared reminded me of my strength and resilience. It was as if every time I listened to someone else’s pain, I was reclaiming a piece of myself. Through these connections, I learned that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means finding a way to live with the memories, to hold them in a way that no longer weighs you down but instead propels you forward. I started to see my story not just as a tale of trauma but as a testament to resilience.
And how is your relationship with Grace now that she’s older? Does she know about your past?
Sandra: We have a close relationship. Grace is my world, and I make it a point to talk to her about love, respect, and consent. I want her to know she can always come to me with anything and that there’s no shame in her questions. As for my past, I plan to share it with her when the time is right. I want her to understand that her beginnings don’t define her. I want her to know the importance of resilience and the strength that comes from surviving difficult times.
You’ve turned your pain into something beautiful. What message would you like to leave with women who are currently struggling with their worth after trauma?
Sandra: To every woman out there, remember that your worth is inherent. You are not what happened to you; you are so much more than that. Healing is a journey that takes time, so be patient with yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people who lift you and understand your pain. And never hesitate to seek help. Therapy, support groups, and talking to trusted friends can provide immense relief. You deserve to heal, to find joy again, and to live your life to the fullest. Remember, you are not alone; there is a whole community of survivors who stand with you, ready to share the burden.
Thank you so much, Sandra, for sharing your journey with us. Your story is truly inspiring, and your strength is evident.
Sandra: Thank you for giving me this platform to share. I hope it encourages others to embrace their stories, find their voices, and rise above the pain. Healing is possible, and we are all capable of so much more than we think.
Sandra’s journey illustrates the complex reality of healing from trauma, particularly from sexual violence. It shows us that while the path is filled with challenges, it is also filled with opportunities for growth, connection, and rediscovery of self worth. Healing is not just about moving on; it’s about embracing the journey and recognizing that our pasts do not define us but are merely chapters in our lives.If you or someone you know is struggling with similar experiences, reach out for help. Your story matters, and your healing journey is valid. You are not alone, and there is always hope for a brighter tomorrow.